(world without end)

I'm in a self indulgent mood, so I'm going to post an e-mail I wrote to someone a while ago. It still sums up my feelings pretty well.

I'm sitting here, thesis meeting in twenty-five minutes (thirty a while ago), trying to come up with something to write. I'd send you song lyrics I suppose, but I don't really know very many nice songs, and while

She leaves a trail of honey
To show me where she's been

is catchy, it's not quite the mood I was hoping for. (Sentence ending in preposition: -2.) ... and while I was sitting here, twiddling my thumbs (metaphorically), I noticed that the amber light on the front of my computer was flickering every half second or so. (It's the hard drive activity light. Comes on whenever something uses the hard drive.) Something -- I'm honestly not quite sure what -- was walking my hard drive, looking for something, building search indices, something.

Anthropomorphism of the worst variety; it's a goddamn computer program.

(Thesis meeting in twenty minutes now.)

Still, it bothers me a little. In the grand scheme of things, what am I doing? I've had dreams, I suppose, but they haven't really come to as much as I'd always imagined they would. When I was 8, I was going to be a football star; at 10, I figured I'd be an astronaut; when I was 12, I was going to be the next Bill Gates; nothing changed when I was 14, but by the time I was 16 I was going to be a great lawyer (or maybe philosopher) TOO, and when I was 18 I was going to be a professor (and fencing champion). At 22, I have hopes of being employed.

(The Tucker Dean wants me to know about TUCKER THIS WEEK.)

And maybe, after a year, I'll go back to those other dreams, because they were actually pretty shiny even if they're not all working for me this instant. In the meantime, though, I have to figure I'm just biding time, playing solataire, hoping for time to pass until something happens and my dreams are close again. Gave up on being an astronaut a long time ago, about when I realized that I was afraid of heights, but I still want to drift among the stars.

(Thesis meeting in ten; I should probably draw to a conclusion here.)